Friday, 18 May 2018

Finding healing in unexpected places

I attended my first ever Queer Book Club meeting on Thursday and it was just lovely. It was a relaxed, very chill kinda discussion with Mexican food to accompany the book we were reading, Everything Begins and Ends at the Kentucky Club.

It was multiracial and everyone was really friendly.

I didn't know anyone nor their orientation before attending the meeting but it was not necessary.

I had found my tribe.

This was the first time I was engaged in the midst of book lovers, discussing the characters and plots of the 7 short stories we'd read.

Near the end of the meeting, one of the guys asked, "Are all of you homosexual?" perhaps because he was, and we all looked expectantly at each other. I guessed then that we all were. And that revelation was very comforting.

It's the first time I'd found my own people. Not in a gay club, but in a book club. For that, I'm grateful.

They didn't know about my background and the difficult couple of months I'd had, but it wasn't necessary.

Looking forward to the next one already.

Thank you Lord for providing.


Sunday, 13 May 2018

Reflections on Mothers' Day

So my friend tried to invite me for service at my old church for this weekend's Mothers' Day service. I tried to use the irrelevance of Mothers' Day for myself as a foil but it didn't seem to work very well.

Ian always asked me why I don't say how I really feel inside.

It's difficult.

I've been used to concealing and not feeling (doesn't that remind you of a certain song?)

In any case, how could she know if I didn't tell her?

How could she know that 2 years ago precisely on Mothers' Day I thought I heard an affirming sermon about Naomi and Ruth but was proved to be horribly wrong with the homophobic sermons that followed?

How could she know that in a particular morning prayer, the deacon prayed for God to judge all those involved in Pink Dot and not to

How could she know that even in the safer environment in my old church that my cell group leader had preached in a sermon that we are to "love the sinner, not the sin" but that I am defined by the very sin she despised?

How could she know how I cringed inwardly at the auditorium of the megachurch where in the row in front of me 2 youths made a joke about a gay person and I just sat there, numb and unable to speak up?

I don't want to end up like my dead friend who killed herself partly because she couldn't accept her own orientation even as she hid it from the church family she grew up with.

And even though I do feel like church is like family, even children are brought out of abusive relationships. I feel like the relationship between myself and a traditional church is somewhat like that.

For the sake of my own mental health, I shall retreat to safer places like the Gay Christian Fellowship and the Queer Book & Movie Club for now.

Till next time.

Sunday, 6 May 2018

Inspired by a unique K-pop star

I've never been much of a K-pop fan so it might be surprising that I've been following the online shenanigans of Amber Liu, the popular singer from the Korean girl band f(x) who sports an androgynous style.

She first came to my attention in a BBC video article where she was interviewed about the cruelty she faced online regarding her flat chest.

It probably helps that her YouTube videos are mainly in English which made understanding her appeal that much easier for me. I also adore her new mixtape and music videos that she released recently.

I guess I'm in short, quite inspired. Seldom do we see girls (who don't fit society's definition of what a cookie-cutter girl should be like) own their style and be confident about it.

I'm sure she must have had a lot of hate before getting to where she is right now. I think she still experiences a lot of it today.

But I have high hopes that one day I'll be like her. I may not have the same swag she possesses, but to be confident in my own skin is something I'd like to endeavour towards.

Even now when I'm asking myself questions of what it means to be a girl, to have role models like Amber Liu helps just that bit more.

Thank you for being you Amber. ;)

Finding healing in unexpected places

I attended my first ever Queer Book Club meeting on Thursday and it was just lovely. It was a relaxed, very chill kinda discussion wit...