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Thoughts of suicide

Today a gay Christian friend of mine told me that if he were ever to kill himself, in his own words, he'd "hang himself in the church toilet" to make a statement.

It's the third time in as many days suicide has been in my mind.

Yesterday a friend in Australia alluded to it for reasons unbeknownst to me.

The day before that I was super upset about the tension of holding on so tightly to my faith, and yet being created to be someone like myself - queer.

That night I was crying out to God, "Take me, take me already, won't you?"

It was hard.

I have a feeling when pastors counsel their gay Christian members, they don't see us as any different from the person watching porn, or one committing adultery. Which is all fair and good, all sins created equal (although I don't agree and that's a post for another day).

But how many can comprehend the deep hatred we have within ourselves, cultivated over years of internalised homophobia set in place by the …

Pleasure is God-glorifying (an extract)

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God's creative intention was to bring glory to himself by the pleasure that he created. Each pleasurable thing was perfectly created and designed to reflect and point to the greater glory of the one who created it. These things were designed not only to be pleasure inducing but also for a deeply spiritual purpose. They were meant to remind you of him. They were meant to amaze you not just with their existence but with the wisdom, power, and glory of the one who made them. They were put on earth to be one of God's means of getting your attention and capturing your heart.
You see, you will never understand pleasure if you think that it is an end in itself. Pleasure is pleasurable, and you should never feel guilty that you have enjoyed its pleasure or that you want more. This is all according to God's design. But you and I must understand that pleasure has a purpose beyond the momentary enjoyment it will give us. Pleasure exists as a sign of the existence of one in whose arm…

Coming out (again)

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So I came out again today. For the nth time. This time, a first for me though, in my conservative church, with a friend from my DG (Discipleship Group) aka cell group, aka care group.

Having honed the skill of coming out discreetly for a number of years now, I did so rather subtly.

We were talking about a couple in our DG having given birth prematurely, and how my friend went to visit them the day before.

I commented that I'd rather not have children at all, for various reasons.

She commented that she too had been thinking, if she were to have a kid, what would she say to them if she found out they were gay? How to parent them in the most Christ-like way?

She continued with some other questions I forgot, for I was battling in my mind what I should do. But in the months that I've known her, she seemed like a rather nice and decent person, so I said,

"Well, you know, you can ask me."

And she went, "Oh."

And then, "Oh?"

And "Oh!"

Haha, the…